Doctor Who

Have I mentioned yet that I love Doctor Who?  I took the last couple weeks and watched all of the recent seasons.  I've known about it for years, but only recently got really attached to it.

I watched an episode with my dad when I was a kid.

I remember like it was yesterday.  It was a Saturday afternoon.  One of those rare days when my dad had the day off, and we didn't have any real plans.  One those days I felt kind of dizzy.  I walked around in a fog because I was so used to having every moment planned and filled, and then suddenly there was no plan.  It was one of those days when lunch and dinner aren't on time and so you go to bed wondering if you ate all the right meals, but feeling full.  It's such a groggy, relaxed kind of feeling.

Anyway, my dad was watching TV, so of course, I was sitting right there with him.  I wanted to grow up to be like him so I had to do everything he did.  He had this show on.  It was black and white and I asked him what it was.  He said it was Doctor Who.  I sat there patiently, waiting for the story to make sense, and it never did.  I just remember these weird fake looking bad guys and the Doctor and his beautiful companion fighting them off, and trying to make it back to the Tardis. (or should it be written TARDIS since it's an acronym?)

The "bigger on the inside" element escaped me apparently because I didn't bat an eye when they stepped inside the little blue box and it was an entire spaceship.  Maybe I had given up trying to understand it by then.  I just remember that the doctor reminded me of Gene Wilder on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (a movie that gave me nightmares).

I don't remember watching more than that one episode.  I don't know if it's because my dad just didn't have time to watch it, or if it was a one day special.  Maybe he watched it, but that first experience was so confusing that I wasn't interested in watching it with him again.  Regardless, when it was re-released in 2005, I was oblivious.  I heard about it a couple of times on late night TV, when I couldn't get to sleep and there wasn't anything good on.  I heard some references to it from friends of mine, but for the most part I could only remember this strange Gene Wilder type character, a cliched pretty helper, and a confusing storyline.

All that changed when my best friend mentioned that she was watching it.  Well, it was more that she was watching it, and enjoying it.  This was the last straw.  If she liked it, then I knew I would too.  I did!

I suppose I do the same thing to a lot of people.  I love them and so I want to know everything about them.  I want to know what makes them tick, what interests them and why.  I look for connections, and make them.  If there's something that interests my best friend or my father or my husband or my children I want to experience it as well, so that there is one more bond connecting us.

What are you willing to try in order to connect on a deeper level with those you have relationship with?  The Bible says, "A man that has friends must show himself friendly. (KJV)" The second part of this verse is even better.  It says, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."  Jesus was willing to give his life so that our sins wouldn't separate us from God.  Now all we have to do is make a connection.  Make an effort to know your creator, and He will show you what He loves.  He will show you that what He really wants is for you to be with Him and love Him.

If you want to know more about this relationship, start reading the Bible... Start with the book of John, and then if you want to keep going read Romans.  I'll warn you though, there will be things that you probably won't like.  Our natural bent (also known as a sin nature) doesn't like some of what the Bible says.  If you can keep in mind that God loves you, and that His greatest desire is for you to be truly happy (not just for a little while, but forever) then you will be able to see that everything written is to help you have a better connection, a better bond with God.  Trust, and have patience.

Oh and you can always leave a comment and I'll answer any questions you have the best I know how.

Separation

I've tried about three times now to write this blog, and every time I've gotten derailed.

I'm learning a lot these days about how the enemy works... it's funny when you think about it.  God can use any means to create relationships with us.  All we have to do is start wanting it bad enough.  And when we finally start seeking Him he opens our minds to show us the deceitful plans of the enemy of our souls.

This is one I've been made aware of recently.  One of the greatest attacks Satan uses on us (and by us I mean all people everywhere... not just Christians) is separation.  The more he can isolate us, the more he can keep us in the dark.  God created us to be His companions, and as such we are also in need of companionship.  That is what we crave.  That is why even the most secluded souls reach out to objects for companionship.  Even those who have been hurt time and again by other people turn to animals for friendship and consolation.

The funny thing is, when you start seeing the plans of the enemy from God's perspective they seem so silly.  They seem so stupid and weak that we are surprised that anyone gets sucked in.  That is the key really, to see everything from God's perspective.  So here are just a few of the tactics I've seen recently.

1) misunderstanding. Suppose you are in love... perhaps with a spouse, or perhaps it's just a really great deep friendship.  You enjoy being together, and can't wait to connect again and again.  Then this person says something inane.  I mean really inane.  Not even intentionally mean spirited, just stupid because they aren't even aware of how it's going to affect you.  They aren't inside your head, and they don't know every single thing about you.  They can't read your mind, but somehow they've picked at one of your old psychological scabs without meaning to.  Suddenly you start to dislike them.

For some people, this little tick is enough to end the friendship right then and there.  You are convinced that they did it intentionally, and are just like everybody else... out to hurt you.  For others, this is a small wound that doesn't get taken care of properly.  The event is lodged like a microscopic bit of shrapnel oozing infection until the whole relationship dies off.

The funny thing is, if we truly think about it, the comment or action or whatever started the whole thing wasn't meant to be hurtful... why would anyone who loves you so much intentionally hurt you?  Until we have our eyes opened to the weakness of human nature, we cannot realize just how silly we are.  Take a step back.  Really think about all the time you've spent with this person.  They love you, and they want to be with you.  They didn't say or do it to hurt you, and the only way to get past it is to shrug it off, and love them back and tell them that it's a sore spot.  When you open up to someone like that you aren't displaying a weakness, you are strengthening the bonds between you and the enemy can't stand that.

2) distraction.  I can't think of anyone nowadays (at least in any moderately civilized country) that doesn't know what facebook is.  Why do you suppose it was created?  It certainly wasn't so that people would plant cyber farms and raise electronically generated vegetables.  It was created so that people could maintain relationships in a busy world, where it's hard to spend time together.  So, then, why would folks log onto a social network and spend all their time worrying about recruiting total strangers to their pirate crew so they can unlock special quests? or why would folks get angry at a silly computer development company for promising them pretend units of money so they can make fake pickles?

Looking at it from God's perspective, it feels kind of foolish to spend so much time caring for pretend people when we could be building relationships with real ones... unless of course, you've had enough "misunderstandings" with real ones that you've written all human beings off completely.  If this is the case, go back and read #1.

3) busy-ness.  I suppose some could simply use the word "business" because that really is the word's intended meaning.  You're so busy with your work that you don't have time to maintain real relationships with people.  Think about it.  It's the perfect plan.  Make the human race think that everything they do is so vitally important that if they stop for one second they'll fall behind.

If you're a parent, think about every moment you spent with your child.  For some that won't take very long because they are so busy with everything but their child.  They can count the number of truly meaningful, focused moments with their child on one hand.  For others, they have spent their whole time worrying about their child instead of building relationships.  Instead of taking time to explore the psyche of this incredible being they helped to create, they are worried about making sure this being doesn't fail (as if somehow God is incapable of keeping this from happening).  Instead of relishing the time spent in deep communion with these unique individuals, they rush them from moment to moment in the hopes that enough exposure to enough experiences will help shape them into the perfect human being, capable of total freedom from pain and disappointment.  In turn these individuals grow up thinking that staying busy is what keeps them from spontaneous combustion, and they can't understand why they aren't fulfilled.

Now, I realize that not everyone who reads this has ever experienced parenthood.  I also realize that not everyone God created desires to raise children.  So think of it this way.  There is someone out there, someone who you can connect with on an incredible level.  There are amazing individuals who can open your mind to incredible thoughts, show you incredible things, share with you incredible experiences.  The only problem is, you're so worried about maintaining your hectic life that you haven't met them.  You do as you're told, in the hopes that your job will fulfill you, but you lack the deeper companionship that you truly crave.  You know deep down this is true because the spirit God gave you wants companionship more than anything.  More than money, or power or excitement.

4) abuse.  This is the last one I'm going to expose today.  There are plenty of others, and as God opens my eyes with His vision I'm sure I'll see plenty more.  This is the most painful of all.  The others are like anesthetics.  They keep you dull and unaware.  This one is like torture... you are aware of it the whole time, but you don't know how to stop it.  

For the abuser, it is a pain they cannot help but inflict.  They are tortured, wanting companionship, but unable to maintain it because of their actions.  They strike again and again, and are left afterward feeling the guilt and shame of their behavior.  Some are so afflicted they have to be locked up.  Separated even further from the companionship they desire most.  Don't get me wrong... they need to be separated.  God weeps over their condition like a father weeps over his murdered child.

For the abused it is a different kind of pain.  The most obvious physical reactions are not the only affects of abuse.  The abused suffer for years after the attacks stop.  They not only question the actions of their abuser, but they question themselves on such a deep level, I'm in awe at anyone who can reach them.  Of course, their Creator has the power to restore, but in giving mankind free will, the abused must at some point ask for restoration.  Unfortunately many do not ask because too many of those who could show them the way are stuck in #'s 1, 2 and 3.

So there it is, the plans of the enemy revealed.  Simple, yet tricky.  Sometimes painless sometimes cruel.  Our job now is to decide what to do with this information.  Will we continue to believe his lies, moving toward our appointed date with eternity without trying to stop the deception?  Or will we determine not to let him have the upper hand?  Will we decide that it's so much better up in the heavenly realm seated with Christ, communing with Him and building relationships with other imperfect human beings that it's not worth it to keep succumbing to the enemy's lies?

Psalm 119:165 says, "Great peace have they who love Your law, and nothing shall offend them (KJV)."  I used to think this was something I had to decide... some will on my part to not allow anyone to offend me.  Now I realize that if I am viewing the world from God's perspective, then I simply will not be offended by things.  It's like getting angry when someone wearing a blindfold bumps into you.  It's not like they realized they were doing it.

Seek First God's Kingdom.  

Out of My League

I'm going to a writer's conference.  I'm very excited.  At the same time, though, I'm nervous.

I don't have a college degree that lets people know that I've put in enough hours to earn respect in the writing community.  The only things I've ever had published were a couple of poems.  I don't usually count these because they were entries in a writing contest that was more of an enticement to purchase the anthology than an actual contest.

I've always felt a little behind, a little out of step.  I have lots of ideas, but no one with any real authority has decided that I am worthy of publishing.  I can't even find a good editor for my book... and I'm willing to pay.

So I am a little nervous.  There are only 30 slots at this particular event.  It seemed like such a great idea to begin with.  Now I feel like I should gracefully bow out and let someone else who has real talent have my spot.

But

There's something in me.  There's this dogged determination, this will to keep at it.  I heard once that sometimes a desire to succeed is more powerful than innate talent.  (I want to say I came up with that myself, but I'm pretty sure someone else said it before I did.)  Sometimes the little girl who's gangly and stiff ends up being the prima ballerina while the little girl with the willowy, graceful limbs falls behind.  What's the difference?  One was born with it and has taken it for granted, and the other had to fight for it tooth and nail.

I've been writing since I was about 10 years old.  I sat in awe of my father's ability to hold a captive audience.  I wanted to be able to weave tales as he did.  Of course, his tales actually happened.  His colorful experience was the backdrop that brought his stories to life.  My life was pretty mundane and boring (at least compared to his).  So I had to make up the backdrops, and hope that I could weave in enough conviction to make people listen.

Over time I have learned that my brilliance is lessened (greatly) when I don't give my ideas time to marinate.  When I throw a bit of prose out into the spotlight, rather than rehearsing it until it is old hat, it becomes weak and dull.

So now, here I am, headed into the thick of it.  I'll once again feel like a child pretending to be grown up.  Hoping that they have a chair with extra padding so I can see over the table; wondering if I'll look silly with my feet dangling under the table; hoping that the other "real" authors will be gracious and forgiving when I open my mouth and they realize that I'm comparatively unseasoned.  Most of all I look forward to honest feedback.  I have steeled myself for their criticism, and hope that I can come away with a few pointers to help me become a better writer.

The Trouble with 'Why'

I've recently discovered a very naughty word.  Okay, so I've known about it for some time.  I just didn't realize it's power until recently.

I read a book (scandalous) and ever since I've been using this word.  Well, I've used it before, but not as profusely, nor as boldly.

When I was younger I used the word primarily in my mind.  My fear of being thought of as foolish kept me from using it out loud.  I was worried that others might think I should have known the answers long ago.  I was worried that my use of it might be offensive.

Now I use it every day.  I use it in every situation.  I use it prolifically.  It permeates my religion, my education, my diet.  No situation is too genteel to quiet my tongue.

In fact, I'll use it here.  Why

I'll use it again.  WHY!

Insignificant, you say?  Apparently not.

Ask a evangelical why they treat homosexuals differently than gluttons.

Ask a homosexual why they must tell everyone what they like to do in the bedroom.

Ask a progressive why their agenda is going to work this time when it hasn't worked long-term in any other government in the history of mankind.

Ask a republican why it's okay to bow to the liberal agenda in order to get re-elected.

Ask a college professor why they are threatened by a students Christianity.

There's more

Why do some people preach that God is silent now that the Bible is complete?

Why do some "Christian" churches treat women no better than the Muslims do?

Why do we keep trusting the FDA to make decisions about what is healthy?

Why do we spend so much time watching pretend people live exciting lives on TV instead of getting out there and living our own lives?

Why do people complain that the education system in America is broken and yet continue to give up their children to it?

Why are there so many versions of history?

I'm not sure what the answers are yet, but I no longer worry about my use of the word.  By using it I may rock the boat of casual indifference, but by ignoring it I do myself and my fellow man injustice.

Free Publicity, Anyone

Well, Time Magazine certainly has achieved what it set out to do.  They have been getting all sorts of free publicity out of an article they ran on attachment parenting.  Now, here I am ready to keep this trend going.  


A far as attachment parenting, I started out Babywise, and it was horrible.  I regret a lot of what I did with my first born.  Although I appreciate the advice I was given, in my youth and inexperience I took it to the Babywise extreme.  
In view of my experiences, I can totally identify with the defiance pictured.  I think our society has become so oversexed that something as natural as feeding your baby the way God designed is considered socially unacceptable.  


In view of my experiences, I can totally identify with the defiance pictured.  I think our society has become so oversexed that something as natural as feeding your baby the way God designed is considered socially unacceptable.  


Secondary infertility really didn't help with those regrets.  After trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for several years I vowed that if I had another child I would treasure every moment I had with her.  My son was five by the time we had our second, and by then I had done my research, and completely changed my parenting tactics.  


I think it's ridiculous that someone would have a problem with attachment parenting.  I would much rather see a parent attentive to their child's needs, than ignorant and letting the child grow up ignored.  


I read a comment today that went something like this, "Children need to learn how to function in the real world, and coddling them is bad for their development."  I would like to remind everyone that we are talking about people who breastfeed and co-sleep, etc while their children are very young, allowing them to reach independence when the child is psychologically ready.  A three year old doesn't need to learn about how hard the world is, by being pushed away by his own mother.  Why rush it?  In our society kids will be sticking around until they're 18-20.  As many mothers have said of potty training, "They won't be wearing diapers when they graduate from college."  


First of all, those early years are so misunderstood.  I knew a mom whose 2 year old looked like a 4 year old.  The poor kid would push other children down the slide so he could have his turn, and the mom got so frustrated with the judgmental stares she received from other parents at the the behavior of her toddler (who didn't look like one) that she finally began asking them, "How old do you think he is?"   


And it's not just about how long you breastfeed, either.  I have a friend who explained it perfectly.  "If you were out in public, and someone pulled a bottle out of their diaper bag and held their infant while feeding her the bottle, no one would think twice."  But if a woman sat down to breastfeed and didn't try to hide it, she would be the subject of everyone's conversation in a 50 foot radius.  


I understand the Christian talking points about how men are turned on visually, and that the sight of a woman's breast can cause a man to lust after her.  Well, I'm sorry.  I think it's time for men to learn self control.  It's time for them to learn how to handle themselves in a public place.  It's time to stop being so selfish.  It's hot and sticky and sweaty sometimes, and having to put a blanket over a baby is uncomfortable to the mom and the baby.  


I was at an amusement park once.  I had paid a pretty good amount of money to go there.  It was so hot and muggy that I ended up having to leave because I knew it would be offensive to nurse without a cover-up.  There were no air conditioned areas that I could use to nurse privately.  So, basically in order to keep some guy from picturing himself having sex with me, I had to leave and go home.  


Really?  Is that how it's going to be?  Some sicko can't watch a baby being fed naturally, so instead of him being punished, some poor mom and her baby can't go out in public?  Yes, I get angry about it.  It's time this changed.  


Here's the simple truth.  What a person does to raise their child is THEIR business, not anyone else's (barring abuse).  No one has a right to tell me how long to breastfeed, or where to send my children to school, or what kind of food to feed them.  I don't have a right to tell any other parents that what they are doing is wrong.  I'm sick of our society trying to take parental rights away.  


Now, having said that, I have one caveat.  Parenting is (or should be) a joint effort between a husband and wife.  Children need the stability of both a mother and father, in a committed relationship: not necessarily argument free, but committed to working things out together.  That being the case, I have chosen, in light of scripture, to submit my own free will (and defiance) to my husband's preference that I cover myself when I'm in public...thus the reason I left the theme park, and didn't just let it all hang out.  Let me be clear that we have discussed nursing in public numerous times, and came to a compromise on the issue.  This compromise changed with each of our children.    


Really, parents.  It's time to stand up for your God given rights.  While it's wise to heed the council of those who have gone before, God is the one who gave you your child, and He knows what is best.  Oftentimes, His ideas of a great parent and society's ideas are completely opposite.  Don't let public opinion ruin your child.  

A Voice of Encouragement

I recently had the incredible opportunity to take my kids to California.  I was able to show them where I grew up, and had the opportunity to meet up with a few old friends while I was there.

One of those friends is a girl I met when I was in 6th grade.  We were pretty close.  When we met last month it was as if we had never been apart.  She has two adorable children ages 3 and 4.

While we were watching the kids play we were able to have several deep conversations and most of them centered around our children and struggles we have as mothers. Near the end of our time together she said something that was surprising to me.  She told me that I had encouraged her with a lot of what I had to say.  I don't think I can convey adequately what this meant to me.

I am a typical American stay-at-home-mom.  As such I am constantly grappling with my worth.  I wonder if I'm training my children properly, if I'm contributing to society enough, if I'm doing enough to support the cost of a family as large as mine.  Even though I am surrounded by peers who are encouraging, there is something in the air around me (and others I suspect) that seems intent on making me feel inadequate.

(c) Anne Taintor

Thank you Women's Lib for ruining the psyche of so many women who are passionate about their families.

As I was saying, my friend's comment really struck a chord with me.  My thinking afterward went something like this, "I have four children.  My oldest one is is 14.  I have dealt with strong wills, boundless childhood energy, trips to the ER, and many other things.  Maybe, just maybe I have something to share with other moms."

(c) Anne Taintor

Ok, I admit I've thought of this before.  Who doesn't think now and then that they have advice to give.  Honestly, I've considered it many times, but somewhere in the back of my brain a little voice says, "There are so many women out there who could probably say the same thing better."

Well, not anymore.  I want to be encouraging.  I want other moms to know that their kids aren't weird, or bad for being inquisitive and energetic.  I want them to know that loud children can be embarrassing, but can also come up with some really amazing insights.  I want them to know that it's normal for kids to burn off energy by turning into that hyper cat from the cat food commercial now and then.  I want them to know that children are incredibly smart and that you have to stay one step ahead of them at all times.  I want them to know that anyone can teach their child, and that homeschooling is not limited to super moms, but to anyone who is called to do it.

More to come.

The Difference Between Fairy Tales and Reality

I really didn't think I'd have to write something like this, but it seems like our generation (well, technically the past several) can't seem to tell the difference.  Divorce is unfortunately all too common, and although I hoped that none of my friends would ever suffer its wound, I am finding statistics all too real.

I write this blog carefully.  I will not name names, and I will not divulge personal information (my own or that of my friends). I must be as candid as possible, however, for without real life examples this information would seem rather weak.  Suffice it to say, that although I will not point out exactly who has experienced any particular thing, I have known more than one couple who have come to the brink of divorce or have crossed over to the other side.  Some I have felt devastated for, others I felt it justified.

Also, as I am a woman, and I am created differently than men, I will be speaking from my own experience and understanding.  Perhaps my insight will help the men I know understand their wives better.  If you are masculine, and wish to understand more than simply the female thought process (as well as I can describe it), please seek out an appropriate mentor in the older men at your church.

Growing up, us girls were enamored by the idea that the princess found her handsome, charming prince and married without too much struggle, ultimately living happily ever after.  I hate to break it to you, but that is not reality.  It is fiction.  It is an idealized telling of what might have happened if Adam and Eve had not plunged the world into sin, and what will happen when Jesus comes to take his bride home.  It is something to look forward to in eternity, not something that will happen here on earth, and if you are expecting it, then (as Westly said in the "Princess Bride") get used to disappointment.

Let me explain what marriage really is.  Marriage is two imperfect humans deciding to show each other the love of Christ.  This means unconditional love, respect, and commitment.  This does not mean putting up with abuse, or covering abusive habits.  For a woman this means, that you are going to deal with all the crap your husband dishes out in a loving way.  It means setting boundaries, so that he understands that you will always love him and be dedicated to his best interests.  This does not mean you will lay down like a doormat and allow him to hurt himself or anyone else.

I know of husbands who have been drug addicts, pornography addicts, and terrorists.  I've known work-a-holics, and adulterers.  I have also known those with culturally less heinous vices, such as addiction to entertainment, food, and those who are simple self-absorbed.  I have learned that no husband is immune to these vices.  They may keep these sins well hidden for a time, but eventually something comes out.  When that something does, the Cinderella mentality is suddenly ripped away like a bandage over an open wound.

When this happens you are at a cross-roads.  You must decide if you are willing, as Jesus did, to honor your commitments and begin the hard work of restoring a fellow human being, or if you will do as Judas did, and sell out the one you love proving to them that they are indeed unworthy of love (as they, most likely, already feel about themselves).

The next thing that happens is that you must understand the lengthy nature of your commitment.  We are in a sin-sick world.  Life here can certainly be filled with joy as we see the work of God constantly, but it is not always rosy and simple.  The work ahead is daunting and often thankless.  If you are willing to give of yourself, you will reap rewards in the end.  You will NEVER see your husband perfected in this world.  You will ALWAYS find things in him that negatively affect you.  But you must decide that this man who you once thought charming, and handsome, and perfectly suited to you, is able to become that man again.

Don't forget that you are not perfect either.  You are not only self-oriented and tend to be easily offended, but you will get worn out by the work involved and sometimes snap under the pressure.  When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, he begged that the Father would make a way out for him.  He sweated blood, but was still willing to finish his task.  You will certainly fall yourself.  If you think you won't then keep a lookout, because those who give grace get it in return, but those who puff themselves up with a holier-than-thou attitude will certainly fall on their faces.

I am deeply saddened when I see a marriage dissolve because one or both of those who committed themselves decides to leave.  So, in an effort to help, here are some positive suggestions for how to make it work.

     1) No matter how rejected you may feel, remember that your goal is not to be loved by your spouse, but to be deeply loved by God.  No human being will ever love you as God does, and no earthly love will ever fulfill you the way God's love can.

     2) Remember that nothing on this earth worth having comes easily.  It takes hard work and sacrifice to make a beautiful marriage.

     3) Even if you feel you've had breakthrough, don't expect your errant spouse to respond immediately.  It takes patience and consistency to properly model God's love.  You may have to start the courting process over in order to restore the relationship.

     4) Forgive again and again.  God has done it for you.  The point is to let your spouse know that they are loved and accepted by God, and that you will do what it takes to make them understand this.

     5) Wait on the Lord.  When there is a total breakdown of communication you will have to shut-up and wait.  Pray, fast if you can, but don't expect an immediate obvious change of heart.  Although it's certainly possible for someone to be healed overnight, it doesn't happen very often.  You're in it for the long haul.

     6) Set boundaries.  Let your spouse know that you will always choose to love them, but that you will not allow them to hurt you.  Let them know that sometimes love takes the form of discipline (not that you are disciplining them, but that you are showing self-discipline by setting appropriate boundaries).

     7) Keep track of small blessings.  Write them down if you must, but never forget to take notice of small things, no matter how insignificant they may seem.

     8) Find out what love language they speak.  If you married to someone who only spoke Portuguese and you only spoke to them in English you would never really accomplish much communication.  Love is the same way.  If the way of showing love that resonates the most with you is giving or receiving gifts, and your spouse feels more loved when you tell them how wonderful they are, then neither one of you are going to feel loved until you begin speaking the other one's language.

     9) Keep your eyes on the prize.  Remember that the goal is not to turn them into your ideal human being, but to be the tool of God.  Propel them onward to greater heights in their relationship with Him.  The closer they get to God the better your relationship will be.

     10) and Lastly, remember your vows.  We said them at a time when we assumed we would buck the trend, be the one couple who didn't have the problems everyone else did.  We were starry eyed and hopeful.  There's a reason traditional vows include "sickness" and "bad times."  We didn't feel the weight when we said them because we had no idea what that would entail.  Now it's time to show your courage, your integrity and your true strength.  While weathering the storms, you can hold onto these vows as an anchor.  When you get to the other side of the rough patches (and some of them last for years) you will have a sense of accomplishment, much as a soldier feels when receiving a medal of honor.

* * *

I would be remiss to leave out children.  They are an integral part of the mix, and often are caught in the middle.  Arguing in front of the children is to be avoided, but they must be taught that marriage takes hard work and that two people never get along perfectly.  They must be taught that it's fun to watch princess movies and dream of white knights and hopeless romantics, but that role will only be filled by Jesus Christ.  They must know that no human being will ever measure up to that ideal, and that marriage is two sinful people committing to stick together, no matter what.

It's not going to hurt their psyche to know that Mom and Dad aren't getting along.  It's going to strengthen them to know that Mom and Dad are going to work though this rough patch and stick it out.  It's strengthening for them to see a model of unconditional love in spite of character flaws.  It's empowering for them to see their human, non-perfect parents model a pattern of dependence on God for sanctification.

Never, EVER tell your kids how horrible their other parent is behaving.  They are much smarter than we give them credit for.  Instead, give them the truth about your own struggles, so they know that no matter how heinous a sin they are dealing with, if their Mama or Papa can overcome, then they can too.