Patrick

So... tonight I actually said what I was thinking, out loud.  I know to most of you this comes as a shock since I seem like I say whatever pops into my head immediately.  While that's true about my attempts at humor and encouraging things, I usually don't give unsolicited advice to complete strangers.

Here's how it went down.  I was at a restaurant with my BFF and her beautiful almost four month old daughter.  Our waiter commented on how cute the baby was and as he was walking away he said, "I can't wait to have kids.  I want five."  I was so surprised that when he came back around I asked if I had heard right.  He launched into this five minute explanation of how he's ready to settle down and have kids and he just has to find the right girl and all the girls he's met just want to play games.

Now, normally this is the part where I smile and nod and maybe say something about how I hope he finds his soul mate.  Tonight I took a leap and told him, "If you want to find the right kind of girl you need to go to church.  That's where the girls are who are ready to settle down and have kids."  I was expecting him to blow off my comment, but instead he agreed with me.  My BFF recognized his upstate NY accent and commented on it.

After he checked on his other tables he came back and pulled up a chair and told us all about how he had moved here on his own and was looking for a new life and all that.  I asked him where he lived in the area and recommended a good church near him (he said he didn't have a car).  Before we left the restaurant he told us that God must be really trying to get a hold of him, because there have been a bunch of times in the five months he's lived in the area where random people have told him to go to church.

Tonight I'm praying that Patrick will find God, and if he's already found him once, that he'll be re-infused with passion.  I pray that he does find the girl who's willing to get married and have five kids with him, but not until he's ready to support her spiritually, as well as financially.  I'm praying that tomorrow morning he'll wake up earlier than he thought he would, with more energy than he expects (he's working until 1:00 am) and that he'll remember the recommendations he received and try out the churches I mentioned.

One more thing... Any of my friends at the Harbor... let me know if Patrick shows up tomorrow.

Why I Exercise in Front of My Children

I used to hide from my children when it came to exercise.  I got up earlier than my children so I could get in a work-out before they awoke. This only ended up with me collapsing into bed exhausted without any energy left to spend on my husband.  I used to wait until they went to bed before getting out the elliptical.  This gave me a burst of energy right before bedtime but made it impossible to get up the next morning.  I tried going to the gym after dinner and leaving the kids home with my husband.  This sucked time away that I could have been spending at home with him.  To work out as consistently as I should have, it just wasn't good for our relationship. 

I didn't want my kids to see me all hot and sweaty.  I didn't want them to interrupt my workouts. I was trying to get healthy for their benefit, after all.  According to the experts, a healthy mom has more energy to help her family.  I even justified that if I wasn't getting my form right, they wouldn't see it and try to copy my bad habits.  

That all changed when I hired a personal trainer.  I wanted to get healthy, and I was willing to hire a professional to help me achieve my goals.  I gave myself a year to gain control of my regimen.  I checked out the personal trainer at the gym and the cost was way out of my budget, so my other option was to hire someone to come to my home.  I did a quick internet search and sent out a request for someone to help me.  Within a week I had a call from a guy in Miami.  The only hitch... the earliest we could meet was at 10:00 in the morning.  

Within a few weeks my three year old decided to join us.  We were working out in my garage and front driveway, in the blazing heat, but still she persisted in joining us.  The older kids had chores and independent schoolwork to do, so they only came out if they had a question, but the three year old wanted to be by my side the whole time.  It got to the point where she would be dressed with her shoes on within minutes of the doorbell ringing.  

At first I was annoyed.  Why was she so intent on following me around, trying to copy me.  She was getting in the way.  She was interrupting my workout time.  Then one day something clicked.  I decided to pick-up a few things from the fitness department at Wal-mart so I could do some workouts on the days my trainer wasn't there.  I was comparing the 8 lb and 10 lb work-out balls when my three year old asked if she could get "this one."  It was a smaller orange 4 lb weight ball.  She was carrying it gingerly and trying to put it in the cart.  

In that moment I realized allowing her access to my exercise regimen was teaching her a positive side to exercising.  From that moment on I made sure all my children understood that as long as their chores were finished they could join my work-out.  They couldn't take it over, but they could do what I was doing and learn from "Mr John" alongside me.  

Here are a few of the benefits children receive from watching their mom exercise:

1) They see that exercise is normal.  It's not an activity saved for special occasions.  It's a part of daily life.  

2) They learn that you're willing to step outside your comfort zone.  When you push yourself to complete five more reps than you did the week before, they learn to push themselves farther.  They see that you must challenge yourself to get results.

3) They find that maintaining good health is not easy.  They discover that people on TV who have healthy bodies and lean figures don't just magically get that way.  They know learn first-hand what it takes to maintain their health.  Hopefully this will, in turn develop some compassion.

Children can even learn positive lessons from what may seem like negatives:

4) They may see inconsistency.  Children need to see role models fail.  They need to realize that life isn't just a series of successes, but a mountain of difficulty to climb.  Perfection is for heaven, and until we get there we must be over-comers.   Managing failure is an important step to success.

5) They learn that it's ok to rest.  They need to see mom take a break now and then.  There were several times I had to cancel my appointment with my trainer due to illness or because something else came up that was more pressing.  But they also saw that the next week I was right back on again.  

6) If you allow it, they may even become accountability partners.  When you know that your children are aware of your regimen, you are much less likely to skip because you "just don't feel like it."  

So, don't hide from your kids.  Invite them to exercise with you.  Include them in your successes and let them see your failures.  Allow them to interrupt you, but teach them boundaries.  Show them by example that there are parts of life that aren't fun, but are necessary and beneficial.  And get your little girls smaller versions of your equipment, because watching a four year old do adult exercises with tiny pink exercise equipment is just priceless.  

A New Perspective on an Old Problem

The following story is fictional, and intended to prove a point.

***

I'll never forget the day he told me.  There were tears in his eyes as he bared his soul.  My heart beat heavily in my chest as I saw him draw up the courage to get it out.  They were words no mother wants to hear, words that meant my comfy spiritual life was over.  I didn't want to believe it, I tried to pretend it was just a phase.  He would grow up in a few years and get over this nonsense.

I tried to handle it well.  I said, "Thank you for telling me this.  I'm glad you were honest.  I want you to know you can tell me anything."

He wanted to talk to his father, and I had to convince him to wait until he got home from work.  I shot off a text warning my hubby that our son was having a very bad day.  I hoped it would alert him enough that he wouldn't come home cross.  .  

I asked him so many questions.  "When did you start to feel this way?  How do you know it's real?  You know what the Bible says about this lifestyle, right?"

He answered confidently.  He knew what he was talking about.  He knew it was wrong, but he was powerless against it.

I told him I needed some time to think.  I walked to my room and quietly shut the door.  This couldn't be the fate of my child, my beautiful boy.

We had home schooled him, taught him Biblical values, kept him separate from the world.  He hadn't had any of the brainwashing "You're born this way" crap from the government schools.  He had asked Jesus into his heart when he was young.  He read his Bible and prayed.  Every indicator pointed at a growing relationship with Christ.  He wasn't perfect, but he was normal.  Or, so I thought.

I didn't realize how long I sat there, staring at an invisible point on the wall.  When I heard the front door open I looked at the clock on my bedside table.  How had the time flown?  I walked out to greet my husband.  Suddenly I felt the pain in my throat that comes when you're trying not to cry.  I tried to call him out of his room, but my voice came out all funny.

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He must have heard the door too, because he came out a moment later.  He asked us both to sit down.  I held my husband's hand as I listened to him repeat the story he told me earlier.  Then it was silent, painfully so.

My husband looked into my eyes and the tears were too painful to hold back any longer.  They streamed silently down my cheeks as I tried to swallow.  I hoped he had better answers than I did.  He didn't know what to say.  He sat there with me breathing heavily for several minutes.

In that silence I knew that there was nothing we could do.  Our son was going to be outcast.  He was abandoning our faith and siding with the enemy of our soul.  This deception would surely lead him down a path that would end in premature death.  He would never know the kind of loving relationship we did.

He was... Gluttonous.

In the weeks to follow he decided he needed to let people at church know.  It wasn't fair to the other kids in the youth group to pretend he was normal.  The youth pastor preached a lesson on the evils of gluttony.  He asked everyone to pray to break the power of gluttony over their lives.  He read from passages like Philippians 3:19 and Proverbs 25:16.

The pastor had a meeting with the three of us to discuss this issue.  He said our son's influence in the youth group could be disastrous.  He wanted our son to get up and publicly denounce his sin and tell everyone that he was no longer going to choose to be gluttonous.  Our son was adamant that he couldn't lie to everyone.

http://retiredindelaware.blogspot.com/2011/04/other-side.html

Eventually the pastor asked us to leave the church.  He went over the passage about church discipline and explained that he had to do it to "save our eternal souls."  We found out through a friend that he later denounced our family as wolves in sheep's clothing.

We lost so many people we thought were friends.  They just couldn't get over the fact that our son was openly gluttonous.  It broke my heart.  I could see the bitterness developing in my son.  He had been taught about the love of God.  About the forgiveness of sin.  He mocked our pastor for his catchphrases like "Love the sinner hate the sin," and I couldn't blame him.

I certainly didn't feel like I could help him.  I had never been in his position.  I mean, I had my faults, but gluttony?  I just didn't understand how he could be that way.  He was such a good looking boy too.  How would this affect him physically.  I knew it was only a matter of time before his health was affected.

I tried to find ways to help him, but every Christian I talked to just sort of clammed up and acted like they were sorry for my loss.

That was so long ago.  We've been coping with this so long now that I'm used to it.  I've made peace with the fact that my son is a glutton.  He even found a partner.  Someone who understands his side of things.  They've been together for many years.  What did I learn?  The church has no idea how to handle this kind of thing.  They put it in a little box and file it away under the "excommunication" label.  There are no help groups.  At least none that I can find.  I've heard the same verses quoted over and over that my son is in sin and since he chooses to be in sin there's nothing we can do but shun him until he repents or dies.

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The sad thing is, if he had fallen into some besetting sin like pornography or alcoholism we would have received more support.  It's too late now.  He has diabetes and has already lost some toes due to poor circulation.

*** 

The moral: Just as we wouldn't realistically shun someone for being gluttonous, and would try to help them overcome this sin, we shouldn't shun someone who's gay, but rather rejoice that they are bold enough to be honest about their position and help them understand how to live a victorious Christian life.  

Proud moment

I'll try to keep this short... In fact, I would have made this a status update on Facebook, but the story is too long for that venue.

I have to say I was really proud of my 15 year old son yesterday.  Here's what went down.

I picked up my BFF's 13 year old boys like I do every Monday for our homeschool co-op.  My BFF just had a baby, and my 4 year old had the sniffles, so I couldn't leave her there this time.  She sat in the back seat of our minivan and tried to talk to the boys.  They were too absorbed in their DS game to even realize she was there.  She was too far back, and the boys were too loud for me to carry on a conversation with her, so I turned on the radio to give her something to listen to and take her mind off being ignored.

As soon as the boys heard the radio one of them commented on the channel.

Z: "Classical music is like one of the worst music ever."
M: "Yeah.  It's worse than Rap." (Had to agree with him about Rap being near the bottom of the list)
Z: "Yeah, It goes Classical music, Rap, then Jazz because I hate Jazz too."

To my utter astonishment, my son decided to challenge his best friends on their emphatic statement.

R: "What's wrong with Classical?"
M: "It's just the same quiet stuff over and over."
R: "No it's not!"
Z: "Well all the lame ones are quiet."

About this time we arrived at co-op and had to turn of the beautiful song playing on the radio.

Now, here's the best part.  As we got in the car to drive home I remembered our conversation from the morning.  I decided to turn on the radio just because I'm the mom and I can.  Within a few moments Light Cavalry by Franz von Suppe came on.  I took my opportunity to make my point and when the most lively moment came on I cranked the volume.

B: "So what was that about all classical music being quiet?"
Z: "Well, all the lame ones are."
R: "So this isn't a lame one?"

Suddenly the conversation shifted to reveal their true feelings.

R: "This is for Horse Races."
M: "You know what the best horse music is?"
Z: "Yeah"
M: "The Riders of Rohan"
B: "You know the all the Lord of the Rings music is classical, right?"
M: "No, that's not classic music.  It's not 30 years old yet."
B: "Not 'classic'... 'Classical'. Even the dwarves' song in The Hobbit is classical."
Z: "Well, we like that kind of classical music then."

Anyway... I guess I'm proud first, because my son doesn't hate classical music, and second, because he didn't succumb to peer pressure and hide his true feelings.

I guess I'm also proud of my BFF's sons for sticking to their guns and when they were proven wrong, being willing to admit it.

An Open Letter to my Firstborn on His First Day of Work

Dear Son,

There have been few times in your life I have greeted with anxiety.

The first was your birth.  The anxiety I felt upon leaving you in the NICU while I went home to recuperate from your emergency delivery has not been matched yet.  I hope I never feel that way again.

The second was your entrance into early adulthood at the age of 13.  Your first birthday I took in stride, not worrying too much about your future.  As your 13th neared, I wondered how I would let go and allow you to mature without micro-managing your transition.  The last few months leading up to that day caused much introspection and careful consideration.

Now you embark on a new phase of life.  One that I pray over constantly.  One that requires me to release you into the ungodly world.

I have educated you at home because I didn't want the enemy to have a say in your education before you were mature enough to handle his attacks.  I took my role as your God ordained guardian seriously, pushing you at times like a mother bird would knock a fledgling from the nest.  All the while I have watched cautiously trying to maintain balance between allowing you to make mistakes and rescuing you when your lack of wisdom would cause too much harm.

We both know I haven't excelled at times.  For instance, the time when you were rough housing on your bunk bed with your buddies, resulting in a fall and a broken foot.  We both know that I made you walk a mile on that foot, not realizing it was actually broken, unwilling to listen to your complaints.  I've already apologized for that and hope that you now see it in a humorous light.

Regardless, I have tried to keep you from attacks on your self esteem from ill-tempered peers.  I have tried to rescue you from humanistic brainwashing by power hungry adults.  I have tried to caution you against bodily injury by teaching you how to be adventurous but still careful.

By bits and inches I have tried to build in you the ability to overcome any obstacle in life through encouraging your trail-blazing spirit.  I have gradually lessened the number of orders I give you while increasing the number of suggestions.  I have begun the process of requiring you to take responsibility for your decisions.

And now you are in the workforce.  You will be spending hours around peers and elders who may not have the same worldview, who are not motivated by Christian love, and who will use manipulation and control to satisfy their selfish desires.  These people will not understand why you won't sacrifice your health and well being for a few minutes of chemical pleasure.  They will not understand why you are not interested in illicit talk and avoid sensual imagery.  As it says in 1 Corinthians 2:14, they will not understand your motivation because it is foolishness to them.  They cannot understand it because they see through carnal eyes.

Unlike the teachers and mentors you have had, your employer is not interested in your growth and development except where it brings in a profit.  The end goal of your company is not to nourish and feed you.  It is not to ensure that you are healthy or fulfilled in life.  The goal of your company is to make a profit.  They have merely hired you because they need another able bodied young man to help do the grunt-work.

In closing, I say this.  Keep your eyes on Christ.  Make it your goal each day to serve Him.  Be an example of the believers.  Let them know you're a Christian by your love.  Be the best you can be by the power of God.  Don't allow the ungodly actions of your associates, seemingly without consequence, lure you away from your relationship to God.  Guard your heart, guard your eyes, guard your mind, guard your tongue.  Realize that you will receive a greater reward in heaven when you overcome.

Above all, I love you.  I'm proud of you.
Your mother

Self Talk (another exercise)

Stupid Brain!!! Why, oh why, must you keep me up all night with your excessive thought?

Ok, so perhaps the caffeine didn't help either. But why can't Caffeine wake my body up along with my brain? Am I broken or something? It seems that my body is not affected by caffeine at all, while my brain takes to it like a cow to grass.

So there I am laying in bed, my body protesting, "Get some sleep, I'm exhausted!" Meanwhile, my brain remains blissfully ignorant. Or perhaps it's more willfull disobedience.

I was lying there for hours, waiting, willing, wishing for you to go to sleep. To stop your ramblings. I just wanted to be fresh for the new day. Closing my eyes and willing my body to rest even if my mind wasn't listening, didn't really work out very well.

What is it about that state between tired and awake that keeps me in bed? I mean, I suppose if my brain was that alert I could have gotten up and done some work. But because my body was so exhausted, I couldn't muster up the energy to rise from bed. And so I laid there.

Then, my mom's voice starts playing in my head... or maybe it's God... sometimes I mix them up. (I mean, I know my mom isn't God, people! It's just that God's advice and my mom's advice tend to overlap.) "Why don't you try praying."

Well, for once, that didn't work as well as I hoped. I started down my mental list. And still you persisted. For a scatterbrain, you sure seem to stay on track when you want to. I started with my family as usual, going down the list one couple at a time. After each one you tried to drag me off track.

Finally, you were subdued. Not conquered, but at least subdued. It was a struggle, but I finally won. Of course, it didn't help that Hubby climbed into bed a few minutes later, jolting me awake again.

Christmas Activities for Older Boys

Here's how I came to write this blog... I did a google search and here were a few of my results:

 1) Christmas Crafts for kids
2) What to get a teenage boy for Christmas
3) Christmas gifts for teenagers
4) Christmas Printables
5) Christmas Party Games

What I really wanted was for some other, really smart moms out there in cyberspace to tell me how to keep my teenage son interested in spending time with his family at Christmas rather than becoming detached and bored with the festivities, or self-centered and focused on materialism.  Since I guess no one out there figured it out, I'm going to have to get creative and come up with something.

Now, keep in mind, my son is 15.  He's never liked crafts.  Although I did find an ornament idea a couple years ago that involved drilling a hole in a piece of wood.  That part seemed to interest him, but scissors and glue and glitter and crayons... forget it.

My best friends sons seem to have a bit more fun getting creative, but at 13 years old, they too, are getting a bit past the hand print turkeys and peanut butter pine cones.  So I'm brainstorming ideas for things they can do this Christmas that will be truly memorable and enjoyable for them.   

Here's what I've come up with so far

1) Hanging lights - I know some more protective parents might cringe at the thought of 13-15 year olds wielding staple guns while climbing on the roof.  I think they're quite capable, and ours are certainly tall enough.  I think letting them put up the lights and design the yard decor will give them a sense of accomplishment while encouraging their independence in a positive way.  My husband certainly doesn't like doing it, and I'm not overly fond of heights... so I think while the younger kids are applying pom-poms to Popsicle sticks these young men can be wiring the front yard with electricity.

2) Setting up the Christmas tree - Last year my son grew tired of hanging ornaments pretty quickly.  If we end up getting a live one this year, he can have the fun of sawing off portions of trunk to fit our ceiling height and then going over it with clippers to shape it up right.  Even if we end up setting up our pre-lit artificial tree, he'll probably still find it a lot more invigorating than deciding which hand-made crocheted snowflake looks best next to the sequined musical note ornament.

3) Preparing the New-Years Bonfire - This one may not be applicable to everyone, but here in South Florida we like to ring in the new year with a nice marshmallow roast around our fire pit.  Since they don't have to chop wood all year like boys did 100 years ago, they might relish the opportunity to wield an axe.  Not to mention, they'll probably be pretty proud of their biceps afterward.

4) Making tin can luminaries - I remember doing this as a teenager.  I also remember my brothers really enjoying it.  I'll have to save some good sized cans.  I think it will be worth the hassle of washing chili residue out if he gets to bang a nail through a piece of tin.  He also might get a tiny kick out of lighting the candles, as it deals with more fire.

Well, that's the best I can do.  If any of you, smarter, moms out there already have a list, send it my way.  I'm all for conglomeration on these things.