The Sliding Scale of Maturity

I have a 14 year old now. I'm in my second year of parenting a teenager, and so far I'm enjoying the challenge. I have to admit that I don't always enjoy it, but overall it's been exciting.

Having a teenager provokes more introspect in me, and once again I must blog about parenting as if I'm a pro. Bear with me... In time I may re-read this and think, "Boy was I waaaay off." For now though, I will try to pen what has been going on in my head.

I think we, as parents, think of maturity as a sliding scale. We look at our teenagers and think, "They're so young," or, "They still have so much to learn," or even, "They're going to hurt themselves." The truth is they are young. They still have so much to learn, and they may even hurt themselves in the process. However, we still have to let them become independent.

Think back to your teenage years. You knew everything. If you were even a little bit mature you could listen to your parents, but you still thought that some of what they said wasn't necessary. Throughout your life you learned that your parents were usually right. Overall you were somehow able to figure out this thing called "life." Although you weren't completely unscathed, you somehow flew the coop and even lived long enough to have your own children.

Now you look at your teenager and all you can think about is protecting them from their own immaturity. This is where the sliding scale comes in. The fact is, they are mature in their own right. We have to accept this. We cannot compare their maturity to ours. Of course we are more mature. Of course we have more life experience. But this does not negate their maturity or disqualify them from trying out their wings.

I'm not a youth pastor. I don't have a degree in psychology, but I have been friends with a lot of teenagers. From my position as a friend I have seen their frustration with parents who don't value their opinions. I have seen their rebellion against parents who are trying to micromanage them as if they were still in single digits. I have also seen these "kids" fly the coop and run away from the restrictive bonds that were placed on them as soon as they were of legal age.

Unfortunately the results aren't always good. Some of these "kids" who couldn't stand their parents those last few years of high school left the church and I see them in pain, wandering down a path I wish they wouldn't have chosen. I pray for them and hope that they will eventually come back as the Bible promises. I know their parents were trying to help them, but they were so micro-managing that it drove them apart.

I heard once that Dr Phil recommends that people should wait until they're in their 30's before they even consider getting married. It's as if he's reached an age of maturity where the scale is even more ridiculously off balance. It's more obvious when you hear this kind of comment. It's ridiculous to think that you have to wait until an obstetrician considers you of "advanced maternal age" to even think about having a child. Unless of course Dr. Phil was saying that it's fine to bring a child into the world, but you're just not old enough or mature enough to commit to a long-term relationship until you're in your thirties.

I prefer to lean toward Dave Ramsey's point of view. I've listened to his radio show for a while and often some well meaning parent will get on and ask for advice about helping out their adult child who is struggling with life. Dave asks them how they made it when they were that age. Time and again these parents will say that they were married, having children, and living on their own income. At which point Dave reminds them that these "children" are perfectly capable of doing the same, but that they choose not to because it's easier to act immature and let Mommy and Daddy take care of them.

I guess all I'm saying is that it's time to start trusting your teenager to make decisions. Gradually let go. Even if it means letting them mess up. Even if it means allowing them to get hurt by their own actions. At least it will happen when they have a soft place to fall and not when they're miles away and can't come home.

My Path

I keep seeing this vision of walking down a road. The goal is in front of me and it's simple: glorify God and enjoy Him forever. As I focus on the goal I know that He will take care of everything that is really necessary in my life. As long as I maintain focus I am at peace. His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Unfortunately, all along the sides of this same simple path are people yelling at me. Their one goal is to make me turn my head. If I walk off the path that is a bonus. Their names are not those of glaringly obvious sins. They are simple things like nutrition, exercise, fashion, organics, health, popularity, beauty, conservation. On their own, none of the things that are screaming at me are intrinsically evil. In fact, some would call them good. It's simply the fact that they are attempting to make me take my eyes off the goal.

As walk along the path, each of these things is taken care of. I am kept healthy because God shows me when to exercise or rest, or eat the right foods. He shows me how to parent, and how to present myself in a way that is fashionable. As I do these things I become more like Him and His glory shining through me makes those around me want what I have.

The problem is that each of these simple things is a god when it becomes my focus. Each of these things can become it's own separate path. A path that can deceive me with it's logic. Of course it's important to eat right and exercise, but I find as I start to focus on that aspect of life that there is a never-ending rabbit trail to follow. Everyone has an opinion on what it means and how much effort to put into it, until I am dizzy trying to sort through what is true and what is unnecessary. "Do I take vitamins? What vitamins do I take? Are they natural or synthetic? Did they come from environmentally sustainable companies? Do they dissolve in my system? Are they in the right proportions? Do they include the correct amounts of each nutrient?" The list goes on.

And yet it can be so simple... eyes on the prize, and let God take care of the details.

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

The Never-ending Minnie Mouse Fabric

My family loves Disney!

As Florida residents we get incredible discounts on season passes. We usually buy a season pass every other year. In anticipation of these trips (and because I just really love polka dots) I usually buy a lot of Minnie Mouse polka dot fabric.

Right now it's an off year, but I can't get it out of my system. So I made a top for my two-year-old (who happens to be the size of a four-year-old). I bought this fabric about four years ago and I will use it until I only have tiny scraps left, and then my girls will probably make clothes for their dolls out of it.

Anyway, as I was organizing my closet this morning (an ongoing project) I came a cross a bin of sewing projects I had started a while back. One of the things that caught my attention was this white top... well, the beginnings of a white top. The little sleeves were sewn in, and the top part was all put together. It had been in there for a while because I honestly don't remember what I had planned to do with it. I'm pretty sure it was something for one of my other girls that got put away before I could finish it.

Well, I pulled it out and had the two-year-old try it on to see if it was big enough around. It was a perfect fit. I had the polka-dot fabric easily accessible because of the top I just finished for my best friend's daughter. I just cut a strip of the polka dot and hemmed it. I did a decorative stitch with white thread across the bottom of the polka dot fabric. Then I gathered it to the top piece which was already complete. Then I went through my button bin which is usually stocked with a plethora of white buttons.

Then I started thinking about how to make it really pop. So I cut a strip of the polka-dot fabric to make a rosette, found another fun button for the center and, voila, an embellishment.

The whole think took me about 45 minutes this morning. Having the first part already finished definitely helped me go a bit faster. I think the longest part was sewing the rosette on because I had to sew it on twice on account of I sewed on the wrong side the first time.

While the two-year-old was running around the house enjoying her new top I remembered that I made a big puffy bow for one of my older girls back when I first bought the polka-dot fabric. I found it and asked if she wanted to wear it. I wish you could have seen her eyes light up. I couldn't tear her away from the mirror for a very long time after I put it in.

Here is the front view:

And here is the back:

(The picture at the top was taken after I put the bow in her hair).

Some Sewing Projects

So I was at an Antique store today chatting with the owner. (because, of course I can't just look things over and leave... I HAVE to strike up a conversation). She had these beautiful old ostrich feathers that were dyed a deep red. I could just imagine them on a dress I was thinking about making for my almost three-year-old for Christmas and I started telling her about my sewing.

As we chatted I realized that I have this whole blog and I don't think I've posted any pictures of my sewing on it. I mean, I have a whole photo album on my facebook page dedicated to crafts, but anyone who doesn't have a facebook account can't see my work. (and yes, there are people alive today who don't have facebook accounts and actually do lead reasonably exciting lives.)

So anyway I told her I would post some pictures of some of my recent projects on here. I'll upload a few today, but you'll have to come back later for more detailed posts and better pictures as I'm waiting for my best friend to send me some pictures she took of the dresses. She's a much better photographer than I am.

Here is a picture of a white muslin dress I made in the Regency style. I made it for my friend's daughter.

This is another dress I made for my friend's daughter. The fabric was at Walmart for $1.50/yd. I wanted to buy some, but I have so much fabric right now that I knew it wouldn't get used very soon, so my friend bought it.

Here is a Rapunzel dress I made for my oldest daughter since she's getting too tall for most of the ready-made Disney costumes.

And finally, here is a top I made for my friend's daughter to wear to Disney as soon as her family saves up enough money. I used leftover fabric some dresses I've made for my girls in the past, so it was essentially free.

I have to admit, I make a LOT of clothes for this girl. Not only is she a beautiful model, but my girls seem to always have a ton of clothes in the their closet, so I don't really feel like they need me to make them more. You will be seeing more clothes for them soon, though as I just started on a dress for my seven-year-old and my two year old will be "needing" some fancy dresses for church this winter.

More to come soon.

A Real Treat

My mom sent me an email today containing an article about ways to treat yourself that are not food related. I enjoyed the article but it made me think about some of my friends who can't afford to do much by way of rewarding themselves.

When you're on a weight loss program, it's important to celebrate the small milestones along the way. It keeps you motivated to stay on track. But, when your mentor tells you to go get a manicure and you have no money in the bank, it's easy to think, "I guess I'll just have to skip the rewards."

Let's face it. It's really cheap to go buy a bag of Oreos. It takes more time and creativity to think of an alternative. In our microwave generation we like cheap and easy. Of course, if we had a list that we maintained and kept on hand for those times when we need a little incentive, then perhaps the cheap and easy habits would be broken. I'm going to start a list. Feel free to contribute your own suggestions, just be sure they're either free, or comparable to the price of a bag of cookies.

Free things:

Going to the beach (in my area): even if you don't get sand in your shoes and just choose to sit and watch the waves from a bench, it's still a nice treat.

Watching the sunset/sunrise: If you're a night owl, don't force yourself to watch the sunrise, and vice versa... this is a reward, not a lifestyle shift.

A bubble bath: assuming you have bubble bath in your cabinet already

A home pedicure: again, assuming you have the necessary tools on hand

Window shopping at the mall: it isn't free if you buy something

Taking over the TV for the evening to watch a chick-flick: just make sure you aren't stuffing your face while you watch.

Coloring: Yes, I'm talking about getting out the crayons and spending some time coloring like you did as a kid.

Things that cost about as much as a bag of Oreos:

A new cosmetic item: we're talking small here... a new shade of lipstick or eye shadow

A craft tool: some fun dollar fabric, a skein of yarn in a cool color, a rubber stamp. Remember, this doesn't mean that new cri-cut printer you've been wanting.

Some fresh flowers: seriously... you don't have to wait for your hubby to buy them for you all the time

A new book: ok, some of these can get expensive, but if you look in the "last chance" section, or the library bookstore, you can find them pretty cheap. Not to mention, many of the classics are free for e-readers

Here's another thing to think about. I grew up in church. Every time we wanted to celebrate, we had a meal. We would sit and talk for hours and stuff ourselves with food. Why? As I mentioned before, it was cheap. Everyone could contribute to the pot-luck without breaking the bank. It was also easy. Trying to rent a facility to do some rock-climbing (which wasn't even available then), or paying for everyone to go bowling or ice skating was not only costly, but required everyone leaving the church grounds and transferring to a new location. Not much has changed over the years.

That being said, I think as Christians we need to swallow our pride and admit that we need support. What was that verse again? Oh yeah... Hebrews 10:25 - Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Do you think God would have put that in there if He knew we would be able to withstand any temptation that comes our way? We need to admit to each other that we have a hard time eating reasonable portions of food. We need to ask for help, and when asked for help we need to get off our high horse and be willing to help.

Another area of pride that needs to be brought down is our incessant striving for human approval over the food we bring. Sure, grandma's prize winning pie recipe is a hit at the church social, but when Grandma made it she also hung laundry to dry and kneaded her own bread by hand. She burned enough during the week to justify eating that calorie laden dessert now and then. If you're looking around at church and notice that the pews aren't filling up with new people, but rather with the same people taking up more space, maybe you should contribute to the general health of the congregation by coming up with your own special recipe you can hand down to your grandchildren that is full of flavor and half the fat.

A new year

It's been almost four months.... We ended our last school year in April. I think we had a few lessons in May and there was at least one field trip in June, but overall we were done with the boring and mundane parts of school in April.

It is now July, and we are starting up again. So much has changed since we started last year. Last July was our "maiden voyage" of sorts. My best friend and I decided to become radicals. We decided that if we were going to buck the school system we might as well use it to our advantage. Instead of just keeping our kids out of a traditional classroom, we might as well home school on our own time table.

Well, it worked. We loved it. We started in July and accomplished more in the months leading up to November than we had in previous years. We took a break from the tedium the week of Thanksgiving and didn't resume until after Epiphany. When we started back up we really didn't have much to do, and we took our time accomplishing it. Despite our deviation from a typical calendar, all of our children passed their evaluations with flying colors.

And so we begin again. Yesterday we met to discuss which subjects our children would do together. We amassed a pile of textbooks, unit studies, coloring sheets, flip charts, and miscellaneous other thing. We went through them and discussed our plan of attack, and although it is always overwhelming, we agreed that we were excited once again about the months ahead of us.

Today I moved my antique teachers desk back into the playroom, once again declaring it the "school room." I will have my artistic girls working throughout the next few days to de-clutter their desks and reassign them as tables of learning, rather than free-spirited design centers.

My goal is that, by Monday, July 25th we will be ready to start another year of school.

I will have one 8th grader this year (a bit daunting, especially since he is my strong willed, trail-blazer). I will have one 3rd grader (more compliant, but starting to realize that school is becoming less fun and more work). I will have one 2nd grader (still determined to stay on her older sister's academic level), and a two-and-a-half year old (who thinks she's ready for Kindergarten).

We'll see how it goes I guess.

Traveling With Children

We are headed on vacation soon. I wish I could say when or where, but unfortunately there are too many weirdo's on the internet these days and I'd like my house to be intact when we get back.

I was talking with my sister-in-law about the stress of planning vacations. She has several little ones. Although mine are a bit older now (with the exception of Amelia), I understand her stress. You need a vacation, but they cost money, which you have to work to get. It's like a vicious cycle. Of course, throwing kids into the mix (especially little ones) only adds to the stress. Travel is always more difficult with little ones, and airplane travel just isn't fun anymore for anyone especially parents with small children.

Lots of people have written articles about how to travel with small children, so I will only include things we have actually done. To preface this information, keep in mind that we live at the southern end of Florida and our closest family lives at least a 10 hour drive away. We make the trek a minimum of once a year, sometimes twice. We aren't talking about a two hour jaunt.

First, I have noticed that having a dvd player in our van is a lifesaver. I limit my children's daily TV watching for the most part, so being allowed to watch movies all day is a treat for them.

The second biggest thing that helps is planning ahead for a picnic lunch at a park. Play places at a fast food restaurant are okay, but sometimes they are too limiting. Depending on when you go they may be over crowded, and often they have age or height restrictions. Everyone who has been sitting in a car for a while needs the stretch their legs and this includes mom and dad. We have gone a few miles out of the way at times to find a good park. There's something about letting kids run for an hour that quiets them for the remainder of the trip. This will be our first trip with a teenager, and I plan on forcing "Mr. Cool" to run around some, even though he may not personally plan on it.

Following much of the advice I've read I have made activity packs for the kids as well. Or son isn't naturally artistic, so he doesn't like typical activity books you buy in a store. I can usually print coloring pages for the girls, but these just don't hold his attention. In the past I've made a book of puzzles for him to work on. He's old enough now to be entertained by video games, but I still like making him a booklet. I include personalized word searches, mazes and crosswords, find-the-picture puzzles, and (our favorite) a scavenger hunt. The scavenger hunt includes things to find along the highway, as well as things to find while we're visiting, and even on the way back home. I also include fun facts about the places we are going and the activities we have planned.

For me, the girls have always been much easier to entertain. I've found some really nice durable magnetic paper dolls. I've also found Dover Little Activity books to be a lot of fun. If you plan ahead, you can buy a ton of these on clearance for under a dollar. I usually have a stack of these in my closet for any occasion. On our last trip, my husband found these scratch off books that were a lot of fun. And of course, there's always the invisible ink books.

The final thing we do to keep everyone happy is have everyone take a turn entertaining the youngest. Right now she is two, so watching movies and coloring for 10 hours isn't good enough. If everyone takes an hour to do something with her, play with figurines, or have a finger puppet show, or read a book, or just listen to her talk, she stays entertained much longer. It also teaches everyone to be less self-centered, and during the non-entertained moments I work with her on how to entertain herself.

So that's it... those are my secrets for surviving a long car trip with my children. feel free to share your own experiences.